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                真正高情商的人,是怎么拒絕別人的?

                時間: 2019-04-16 | 作者:甜閣下 | 來源: 諾亞文章網 | 編輯: admin | 閱讀:

                  點擊音頻,即可聆聽

                  本期主播 | 楊槍槍

                  上個月,一個很久不見的朋友,突然在微信上找到我,想讓我加入她正在兼職的一個項目,還邀請我下班后,一起聽相關的線下講座。

                  其實,我對那個行業并不感興趣,但又怕直接拒絕不好,就委婉地說:我最近下班,要去健身房,過一陣子再說吧!

                  她先是問我健身課能否調開,我說約好的,不方便改了。之后,又把周末的課推給我,我都含糊其詞地推開了。

                  有次逛街,碰巧遇見她,她熱情地擁抱了我,又開始預約我的聽課時間。我這才把自己不感興趣的想法和她說明。回家后,發現她把我的微信刪除了。

                  這件事,讓我苦惱好一陣,我本以為不直接拒絕是想給她面子,沒想到換來的,卻是她的失望,還有我們友誼的崩盤。

                  一個月以來,我們的聊天記錄都圍繞這件事展開,現在看來,彼此浪費不少精力,如果當初我直接表明拒絕,或許對雙方來說,都是很好的交代。

                  01.

                  委婉拒絕,會給雙方帶來困擾

                  朋友小艾也和我說了類似的一件事。她和小月在一次聚會上認識,彼此聊得來,就互相加了好友。

                  有一天,小艾突然接到小月的電話,小月泣不成聲,說是失戀了,特別需要有一個人傾聽她的痛苦。小艾趕緊放下手頭的工作,去陪伴了小月。

                  后來,小月每次情緒變壞的時候,就給小艾打電話,不管小艾是不是有事,有沒有在休息。每次的通話時間都長達一個小時,小艾漸漸發現自己的情緒變得煩躁不安。

                  但害怕小月生氣,或覺得自己不近人情,就沒有直接說出真實想法。而是用委婉的方式來拒絕她。

                  比如,看到她的電話號碼不接,等她再撥第二次的時候才接。或者索性不接,等她問時,就說出門沒帶手機。

                  終于,小月沒有再打電話過來,可小艾無意中看到一條微博,卻在抱怨她冷漠自私,不可交。小艾覺得很難過,沒想到會傷害對方的信任。

                  很多時候,為了保全彼此的面子,不破壞關系的和諧,我們常常寧可讓別人誤解自己,也不敢表達出自己真實的想法;哪怕讓自己的利益受到了損失,也不敢直接拒絕別人不合理的要求。

                  而委婉拒絕,看上去是與人為善,實際上對人際關系會有負面影響。

                  一是對自己的時間和精力是不負責任地消耗,本來可以一口氣回絕的要求,由于你的態度委婉,反而壓抑了自己的情緒,造成關系的緊張

                  二是造成別人對自己信任的損傷,雖然你想要給對方留面子,但是沒法堅持到底的時候,就會給別人留下你這個人很不靠譜的印象,這是得不償失的。

                  三是模糊兩可的說辭,你會左右為難,給對方也帶來困擾

                  02.

                  干脆拒絕,沒有想象中糟

                  我們之所以會選擇委婉拒絕,其實是過度依賴于別人對自己的看法,害怕失去別人的信任,承受不了想象中別人的指責,才在表達“不”的時候,有很多扭曲的偽裝,讓別人沒法看懂。

                  也就是說,我們自己害怕被別人拒絕,于是在拒絕別人的時候,不想讓別人體會到恐懼不安,所以才用委婉拒絕的方式,去討好對方,好給彼此留個臺階下。

                  事實是,別人可能沒有你想象中脆弱,直接拒絕別人不代表一定會給對方添堵,真正的朋友不會因為你的回絕而離開你。

                  想要打破自己內在的恐懼,你要認識到:

                  一是你和別人是獨立的個體,各自為自己的言行負責。討好別人,只會模糊邊界,并不會增加別人對你的理解。

                  二是要看到,委婉地拒絕別人,出發點是好的,效果并不好。正因為你遲遲不肯給別人肯定的答案,一直拖延,才會造成不想要的局面。

                  三是不要迷信委婉的技巧,說“不”并不需要去精心考慮話術,繞圈子反而讓人反感,拒絕要果斷,做到“溫和而堅定”,不拖泥帶水,才是真正為自己和別人負責。

                  其實有時候,直接拒絕別人的后果,并不是自己想象中的那么不可接受。

                  小泉的職業是英語老師,平時工作很忙,她養成了做任何事都干脆利落的風格。

                  有一次,她的一個學生家長,拿了一份全英文的資料過來,拜托她給翻譯一下,沒有提到酬勞。

                  小泉認為自己不該幫這樣的忙,就對這位家長直言不諱:“我無法幫你做這個翻譯,因為我的時間安排不了,精力也有限。你最好能夠找專業的翻譯,給他們付費,他們會給你滿意的翻譯成果。”

                  實際上,被小泉拒絕的家長,第二天就發了短消息給她,說自己不好意思,魯莽地找她辦事,給她造成不便,并且按她的建議,已經找了專業人員來幫助解決問題了。

                  可見,干脆的態度,會省去很多不必要的精力。

                  當你不去說模棱兩可的話,才能杜絕別人歪曲你真正意圖的可能性。從而避免對方過多的期待,節約雙方的時間。不糾纏,有界限,懂拒絕,為自己找回更多的舒適。

                  對方也會清晰地認識到你的想法和邊界,主動和你保持一個有效的人際距離。把選擇的權利還給對方,讓他在你之外,尋找更合適幫忙的人,這才是有建設性的交往態度,更有利于關系和諧。

                  只有勇敢地說“不”,你才有機會建立健康、科學的人際關系。

                  -end-

                  作者:甜閣下

                  北大心理學專業,知乎最具人文思想的心理咨詢師,中國白絲帶志愿者,咨詢領域:婚姻家庭、婚外情、個人困惑、性心理、家庭暴力。個人公眾號:t,知乎ID:甜閣下。

                  主播 | 楊槍槍,電視臺主持人,公眾號:小楊說事兒

                  今日話題

                  親愛的朋友,不會“干脆拒絕”,曾給你帶來過什么困擾嗎?

                  歡迎在下方留言,跟我們分享你的想法和故事。喜歡,就點個“好看”吧~

                文章標題: 真正高情商的人,是怎么拒絕別人的?
                文章地址: http://www.hriscs.com/article-95-183361-0.html
                文章標簽:的人  正高  是怎么
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